Disappointment

A couple of days ago, I received the news that I did not get a higher level position I had applied for. Obviously, I was disappointed and almost immediately started hearing the negative voices in my head, threatening to give rise to waves of paralyzing self-doubt and fear- I’m not good enough; I won’t ever be able to get ahead; I don’t know the “right” people to sponsor me. The worst sentiment by far, though, was that I’m ordinary. So, I got upset. I cried a little. I felt sorry for myself and gave in to attending the pity party just waiting for me to show up. But, before too much time had passed, I started to reflect on a question that is proving critical to moving forward from the hurt differently than I have in the past: How disappointed are you, really?

Maybe you deal with disappointment differently, but it usually takes some sorting through for me. I’ve been known to progress through all Seven Stages of Grief, and the amount of time it takes seems proportional to the size of the slight. Two instances stand out in my memory as particularly poignant.

The first occurred when an AVP was brought in as an external hire rather than promoting me, thus inserting a managerial layer between me at the Director level and the VP to whom I had been directly reporting. When I asked why I wasn’t promoted, I was told I needed to “go around the block a few more times.” The second notable occurrence happened when a more senior colleague unceremoniously appropriated leadership of a successful initiative I had spearheaded while I was out of the country on vacation. I returned to work to find myself copied on emails that described how and when this co-worker would be taking over the project, and there was nothing I could do about it.

In both situations, I struggled to deal with the outcome. I’m sad to say that I did not handle either case very well in the days after these events happened. I acted in a passive aggressive manner and was openly disengaged at work for a time. It took a couple of people who were interested enough in my success to intervene and tell me some truths that I needed to hear. Thankfully, I accepted those gifts of feedback for what they were and was able to rebound, ultimately gaining ground in my career after each setback. I expect that I will make progress this time, as well; however, I intend to recover much more quickly and gracefully than I have before.  Which brings me back to ponder the question, how disappointed am I?

The short answer is…somewhat. No one likes to be rejected, to be told you’re not good enough.  This position required a fair amount of travel, and to be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to being on a plane every week and living my life in hotels. I am getting settled in the DC area, and my husband is starting a new job. So, on a scale of 1 to 10 on the disappointment meter, I’d say I’m at about a 3, which is simultaneously a high enough level to have a lot of feelings and a low enough level to manage them. That allows me the chance to objectively assess the situation from the perspective of people who seem to have mastered the art of failing forward.

How do you deal with disappointment? Wallow in grief? Throw a pity party? Deflect and blame someone else for the outcome? One could argue that all of these are normal reactions for anybody to have after receiving disappointing news, but it’s what successful people do differently that sets their results apart. What do people who always land on their feet do? Very simply, they do what other people are unwilling to do. In this case, that means taking the disappointing news at face value, parsing out the valuable feedback, and ignoring the devil on my shoulder whispering lies incessantly into my ear. It means figuring out what skills I need to improve upon so that I will be ready for the next opportunity when it presents itself, and rededicating myself to the current position in the meantime. It means continuing to seek out new ways to get the experience and exposure that will be important to my growth. And, it also means deciding on how to capitalize on the new connections I made during the interview process.

Life is a journey full of ups and downs, highs and lows, successes and failures. Inevitably, there will be times when we will fall short, fail to make the cut, and get disappointed in the process. How we choose to deal with the valleys of life determines how quickly we can get back to the peaks, allowing us to once again revel in our achievements. After this latest loss, I could easily feel powerless to control my destiny. However, my faith will not accept that God put me on this earth for my contribution in life to be just average and nothing special. So, I’ll put in the effort to drive a different result and I’ll let you know when I’ve reached another summit to celebrate…